To celebrate the pinnacle of spooky season, I’ve decided to address some particular ghoulish figures we deal with on a daily basis.  You may know them personally, or bump into them while turning a corner at Target.  Wherever they creep up, they are apt to send a send a shiver down one’s spine.  So, who are they exactly?  Allow me to begin…

She’s easy to miss, pumpkin spice whatever in hand, leggings and oversized sweater. Is she an ambassador for the Marshall’s fall overstock collection? If you’re reading this, your taste level speaks for itself—that is, unless you are one of the these ghouls, lurking in plain sight (in which case, I’ll get to you in a moment)—however, others are not as fortunate. The Basic B*tch is among these. Taking their fashion cues from a Kohl’s campaign, they’re spoon feeding mush to themselves’s and their 2.5 children. These ghouls tend to tragically mistake readily available wares as ready to wear. Just because it’s on a rack in a size that fits doesn’t mean it needs to follow you home.

Occasionally we encounter someone who exclusively wears vintage. Not just because they enjoy the look, but because they collected it at the time it was produced and simply stopped shopping that decade. When you look upon them, you may feel as though you have traveled through time. You are standing in front of a moving, mostly articulated, St. John mannequin. Sturdy knit in a conservative cut is coming straight for you! Fear not! For she has purse candy and pocket Kleenex—just in case her vintage fragrance triggers your tear ducts or offends your olfactory system. The Time Traveler may be ghastly at times, but I assure you, she means you no harm. To the contrary, the last, and decidedly the most eerie offender on the list…

Copy Cat Woman. She’s stealing lewks from your Gram. Keep her away from your mood boards. Set your Pinterest to private. Change the login to your Depop. Have you been hacked? No, she’s just a hack. There’s a style vampire lurking—and you’re in danger, girl. A true queen will turn the party with nothing but a handful of pipe cleaners, some glitter, and a dream.  Our Copy Cat is nothing of the sort. They steal fashion inspo from those with more plentiful followings, but that doesn’t magically bestow upon them the gift of personal style. They are a duplicate.  A copy of a copy.  They are low contrast and fuzzy around the edges.  They lack the sharpness and precision of a person with natural talent and cleverness.  The only thing worse than a biter is the mindless follower who applauds the forgery, or Xerox’s the idea themselves. They are truly insidious because they lurk all around. You can spot them on the internet, they come in all different price points. The high end copier, replicating iconic dresses for their own personal gain—all the way to the low end, a shameless impersonator, waiting in the wings for you to cast back a garment to the rack after deciding it was undeserving of your closet space. These evil doers can be found skulking over your shoulder, so be aware of your surroundings and clueless of the label at the back of your neck.

Whether you decide to be a Barbie, queen of darkness, or a slightly manic pixie princess, just remember there’s nothing scarier than a basic bitch.

Happy Halloween!