In The Air…
For months (sadly turning into years) we have been postponing and canceling events. But there are some things that just won’t wait, like the eBay auction ending in the middle of your work shift, or love, as it turns out. Biochemical germ warfare is not the only thing wafting through the air. People have decided to foolishly set their wedding dates in stone and we are called upon to show up or feel the fomo on Instagram later on.
Always a wedding guest, never a bridesmaid, I’ve been told that I am not missing out on this sacred duty. Anecdotal evidence suggests that being called upon as a bridesmaid is actually a form of punishment in this country. However, I believe I’m being told white lies to save my feelings of being overlooked, and very little can be done to sway me. The silver lining here is that guests of the wedding outside the bridal parties seem to have a wider range of options when it comes to dressing. I’ve always preferred a buffet to a fixed menu so this is a condolence.
Where to start on this guest dress hunt? First we have to consider some details. What will the weather be like? What is the location? Will the terrain be too gravely for Louboutins? Is there a large body of water nearby that may endanger my vintage suede Pierre Hardy kitten heels? With the threat of unattended, horrible, little children being ignored by parents who are drowning out their existence with a perspiring bottle of Chardonnay, one never knows if silk or suede will be safe.
After a brief but bitter journey into the world and finally back to the safety of the internets, I have narrowed it down to two dresses. One, a stunning red vintage Victor Costa with a giant floral adornment on one shoulder. The other, an eighties-tastic graphic floral print strapless party dress. One carries a larger price tag than the other, but also risks overshadowing the bride, which etiquette tells me is a firm no-no. The other allows for more options to accessorize. I find myself at a crossroads. Do I Bradshaw myself into a financial bind in order to go big? Or do the right thing in choosing something more demure in order to let the bride (who conveniently forgot to include me in her bridal party) shine on her perfect day? I know this would be an easy decision for most, but when considering the options, it seems like a Sophie’s Choice situation.
After putting together a small board of trusted advisors in hopes of finding a clear winner, I find we are deadlocked. I am to make the final choice. After careful consideration of the real life consequences of each choice, respectively (such as housing of the dress, fiscal responsibility, possible future resentments, and physical ability to eat/drink in given dress) I whipped out my PayPal information and hit the button. In two short business days I will be receiving a brightly colored floral dress that will undoubtedly get a gold lamé crinoline put under it. I also have a gold linked heart collar that will go nicely. But to avoid sun damage I’m probably going to need a cape. Maybe something in Kelly green? Ooh, or gold? To match the crinoline…
